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Small Groupologist Rick Howerton is fond of putting a note of authenticity to what is typically a mundane question when he asks, “How are you doing REALLY?” Recently I had an opportunity to have lunch with a friend I spent some of my high school and all of my college years with. Right away I asked him how he was doing, he said “fine.” There was a pause. The word “really”  hung in the air for a moment before he added, “I don’t know. Sometimes I think bad thoughts.”

“Like what?”

“Like, ‘I wonder what would happen if I just left.’”

“What do you mean, ‘left’?”

“‘Left’ as in ‘left and never came back.’”

Of course we talked our way through it for a few minutes. He wasn’t serious. At least, wasn’t serious in considering walking out on his life. But what he was saying was how tired of the routines and the mundane of life he has become. This can’t be uncommon in men getting close to 40 or thereabouts. The word my friend used was “trapped.” In an email exchange I had with yet another friend in this demographic I got the following:

“I wake up a lot of days and have the same what I’ll call malaise. It’s like the new day I’m facing is the exact same day I had yesterday and tomorrow doesn’t promise to be much different or better.”

Now that’s just being honest. Who can’t relate to something on the level of Groundhog Day at least for stretches (for me it tends to be January-March). Neither of these men would describe the lives as bad or their families as anything other than a blessing. I’ve known them both for most of my life and can honestly say that I love them. They’re both very successful at what they do. But I do wonder what the sum of these conversations is and what implication it has for the larger culture of today. In what ways have we both robbed ourselves and, perhaps, been robbed of adventure—which would seem to be part of the issue at hand.

If you take a moment to consider the various radio commercials you hear as well as the corporate advertisements seen on television,  but particularly television sitcoms, the sum of it is that it appears that masculinity has been lost. There was time when every young boy dreamed of being Superman. It was reinforced in our heroes, our culture—the fact is that something was expected; that life demanded something of you. A boy was expected to look the inevitable storms in the eye, forge a path through the night and face the darkness, and grow into significance. This is not commentary on leadership, but on masculinity. This is how a man bears God’s image. Alas Superman! But our culture it seems would like nothing more than to tear this image down. Of course during peace times—times with little to no adversity, strife, and war—this attribute of masculinity isn’t as vital. The mistake that’s made, however, is that these times of perceived peace are just that: perceived. The reality is that we are always at war and masculinity should always be summoned into the breach of the battles set before us. These battles tend to call out the best in us.

We need Superman, or what Friedrich Nietzsche referred to as the ubermensch that overcomes traditional boundaries to rise above the herd. Symptoms like the conversations I describe above are indicative of a dying Superman, a Superman robbed of battle and adventure, conditioned to be content to sit in front of the television on Saturdays and Sundays. But instead we are moving more and more into a liberal era that continues to look to external agencies like government for solutions and rescue instead of the latent heroes within us. There is a Superman within us … all of us. This, I can’t help but believe, is the essence of the human condition.

Its missing in our culture. We just don’t have the rituals seen in other cultures to celebrate a boy on his journey toward manhood. Take him in. He is a force with which to be reckoned and he needs to know it, see it and celebrate it in this culture that would attempt to emasculate him. We see a great picture of this in the Jewish culture with the Bar Mitzvah. In it the end of one stage celebrates with beginning of another.

I had an opportunity to be a part of celebrating a young man. He was an eagle scout. He loved the outdoors and had a long history of camping with others. During his journey toward manhood one day his father had mapped out a trail through the woods. The two them started hiking a journey together. This amazing dad had placed several important people in his life along this trail. They included his grandfathers, friends, uncles and me. Everyone shared key blessings of the past and future and hopes about him and his journey. At the end of the experience all of the participants joined other family members as they celebrated the son. This blessing ritual clearly marked his evolution into manhood. It is a memory that will fill campfire stories and remembrances that give life.

How do you celebrate your son? Is it an event? A weekend? Doing things with him he loves (whether you do or not)? Celebrate him between grade and middle school, middle and high, his first shave, the drivers permit or license. Celebrate him in a way that will pierce his heart.

There is a great event coming up in a few weeks I want to let you all know about. A friend of mine that I work with, Darin Clark, has created an awesome father/son football game in Franklin called the Father and Son Bowl. What began as a pick-up game in their back yard in 2007, grew to a community event with 160 fathers and sons last year.

This will be the first year for Cooper and me to play and I’ve already got some of my neighbors coming. This is just another way to connect with your boys and show them they truly are beloved sons! I can’t think of a better way to spend a Saturday morning than playing a bowl game with fathers and sons.

One of the other great aspects of this game is ALL proceeds benefit orphans both locally and abroad, so are being a father to the fatherless through this event!

Here are the details:

Who:
Fathers with sons* from ages 5 to 75. You could be 95 with a 75 year old son or 25 with a 5 year old son. You don’t have to be athletic or in shape, it’s all about having a good time! Fathers and son-in-laws, Grandfathers and grandsons can play together too.

*If you are a son (or know of one) whose father is unable to play, you can still sign up and will be placed on a team if space is available. Just email us and let us know the situation.

Teams will be chosen at random. Father and son(s) will play on the same team. Requests for groups to play together will be considered, but cannot be guaranteed.

What:
6 on 6, two hand touch, backyard football. Each team will play one game. Special rules are in place to ensure the safety and inclusion of our little guys too.

When:
Saturday, January 31st – Super Bowl Weekend! See schedule below. Rain or shine (prayin’ for snow!).

Where:
Franklin, TN – Lasko Fields on 1809 Columbia Avenue

Cost to Enter:
A $10 per player donation is required. 100% of all donations benefit orphans locally and abroad.

How to Register:
Print and complete the registration form on the Sign Up! page. Mail completed forms and donation.

Registration Deadline:
Saturday, January 17th. Sign up today, space is limited!

For Questions, email FatherAndSonBowl@mac.com or call us at (615) 585-7257

Schedule:
8:30 am Morning Sign in
9:00 Morning Kick Off Ceremonies
9:15 Round 1 Games
10:15 Round 2 Games

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11:30 am Afternoon Sign in
12:00 Afternoon Kick Off Ceremonies
12:15 Round 3 Games
1:15 Round 4 Games

You can also join the facebook event page to stay in the loop with others attending the game.

Hope to see you guys there, it’s going to be a blast!

]]> http://abbasway.com/2009/01/06/father-and-son-bowl-09/feed/ 0 Philo shapeimage_1 http://abbasway.com/2008/07/18/identity-is-bestowed/ http://abbasway.com/2008/07/18/identity-is-bestowed/#comments Fri, 18 Jul 2008 16:27:47 +0000 Phil Davis (Philo) http://abbasway.wordpress.com/?p=40 ]]> I was reading the following excerpt from The Sacred Romance today and felt it so connected with my story and one of the short-comings of my own father.

…we develop a functional self-image, even if it is a negative one. The little boy paints his red wagon a speckled gray with whatever Father left in the can after putting a new coat on the backyard fence. “Look what I did!” he says, hoping for affirmation of the wonderful impact his presence has on the world. The angry father shames him: “What do you think you’re doing? You’ve ruined it.” The boy forms an identity: My impact is awful; I foul good things up. I am a fouler. And he forms a commitment never to be in a place where he can foul things up again. Years later, his colleagues wonder why he turned down an attractive promotion. The answer lies in his identity, an identity he received from the impact he had on the most important person in his world and his fear of ever being in such a place again.

I’m reminded that so much of what our sons will come to know and believe about themselves is passed, or bestowed, to them from their father. I spent some time a few days ago apologizing to my own son, Cooper, for expecting perfection from him. We had been watching “Disney’s The Kid” and towards the end of the movie, Rusty’s father becomes so exasperated with him that he begins to yell and shake him accusing him of something he did not do- it’s horrific to watch and it really stuck with me. As the story unfolds, you come to see that a vow had been made at that moment by an 8 year old little boy…”I will NEVER cry again”. And for 32 years, until his 40th birthday, he doesn’t. That’s a remarkable illustration of the power of a father.

As a father, I so want to affirm Cooper and let him know how much I delight in him and how his father’s heart is filled with love for him. Yet too many times what I bestow on him is a message of “You’re not good enough and you’ll never get it right.” And so, when my sin is unmasked, I must go to him and ask forgiveness making sure he understands the truth – “You are incredible, I am proud of you, and I am crazy in love with you.”

As I write these words, tears are streaming down my face. I have yet to hear these words from my own dad. Yes, I imagine it’s true but it was not bestowed to me as part of my identity…to know in my innermost being that I am the apple of my dad’s eye! I was left with the task of finding that part of my identity on my own, and for the better part of 30 years I’ve been looking for ways to feel that I matter to those that mean the most to me. Fathers, this is so crucial…we must not miss this role we have!

This is one of the driving forces behind The Father’s Heart Weekend. If I’m not intentional about carving out moments with my son, they won’t happen on their own. Time goes by too fast and the demands of life are too draining. I must do this for my son, and I must do it now.